#Braves Open Thread, 4/26. Duane Checks in

duane

Wass up, fellas? Man, my April’s been going about like Eric Eyebar’s. Bad.

It’s a long story–kinda like a list of Adonis Garcia’s errors — but I’ll cut to the race. Y’all know my buddy Wade who’s now married to the love of my life, Brenda, right? Well, anyway, he’s a nice enough guy even though he tries to get me to go to church. So I finally caved in when he said he could get me a job mowing grass and buffing floors and helping with the A/V system at his big-ass megachurch in Gwinnett County.

It’s called The Stone. Which is kinda funny cause me and another guy works there used to burn a hogleg every day at lunch, so we called it Get Stoned.

Anyhoo, I’m sure y’all can’t see this coming, but one day I was cleaning Pastor JK or whatever his initials are, cleaning his office when I noticed his computer was on. Well, out of curiosity I fiddled with the mouse and what popped up but some hot young Asian chicks. I decided to sit and enjoy for awhile. A few minutes later I was all finished up and here come one of the three dozen other preachers they got there.

Started telling me I was “terminated for cause,” cause being watching porn in the preacher’s office. Well, your honor, I says, I ain’t the one who called up the barely legal Oriental babes website, that was your fellow man of God. He didn’t believe me, of course, and ran me right the hell out of there. I called a local reporter at some little cornpone newspaper out in Lawrenceville, the Gwinnett Resident or some damn thing, try to give em a good story about the pud pulling, porn watching preacher.

Of course they blew me off, acted like I was crazy. I’m trying to hatch a blackmail scheme on the good reverend. I’ll let y’all know how that works out. My chances of cashing in are probably better than our Bravos’ chances in the NL East.

Sad. Sad. Sad.

Be all that as it may, I quit going to that church. Guess you figured that. But Wade’s letting me sleep in his tool shed. Don’t tell Brenda. She don’t know about it. I just have to be real quiet till she leaves for work every day. She’s cashiering at a Hobby Lobby. Really living the life. I mow the yard and clean up dog turds for a few bucks.

Social life ain’t exactly taking off. Went to a Trump and a Cruz rally to try to meet chicks. Big mistake. Some angry women who didn’t get my humor. I’ll leave it at that. The Bernie Sanders rally had hotter chicks, but they didn’t exactly go for my rap either. What the hell does troglodyte mean, anyway?

About the Braves. They gonna get this thing turned around, guys, but it’s as likely to happen this year as me being a Delta pilot. Fredi, get your head out of your pudgy little ass. Bench old AJ. I like him. He’s tough but his day is past. And is Adonis Spanish for boot? Lord help us. Dansby, Ozzie, Newcomb La Loosh, speed it on up, boys. We need ya bad.

Duane, out.

Tonight’s lineup: Out, Out, Out, Out, Out, Out, Out, Out, Wisler. I like Wisler. I think he’s gonna be good.

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