With apologies to David Letterman, like he cares:
- This morning, I spotted a dude in Midtown wearing his Boston Red Sox cap. His buddy was decked out in Alabama Crimson Tide cap and t-shirt. Now, maybe these guys were visiting from Framingham. More likely they’re from Gadsden or somewhere else in the Heart of Dixie. But, of course, the most insufferable bandwagon in sports history knows no geographic boundaries, so you can’t spend a half hour anywhere in America and not see some jackass in a red sox cap. We’ll let longtime Office reader, East Point native and Braves fan Pat Sullivan pick up the story: “I knew that Red Sox ‘front-runnerism’ had gotten out of hand when I saw a house down in Newnan with a Confederate flag and a Red Sox flag hanging side by side.”
- On a related note, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Ken Burns, Kenny Chesney (pictured with K. Millar), et al: Literary–and less so–celebrities who were not born nor reared in New England who are famous Red Sox fans.
- Diesel: The official home of lame bandwagon fans living in Atlanta. Red Sox and Cubs banners fly from the bar’s patio in Virginia-Highland, but no room for a Braves flag. I’d attend an insurance seminar before setting foot in that wretched joint.
- Buckner: There’s passion, and then there’s assholishness, to quote Arkansas homebuilder Doyle Hartgraves. Office denizens are as passionate as any Red Sox fan, but you rarely heard Braves fans berating Lonnie Smith the way Boston backers made Bill Buckner’s life miserable after his error in the ’86 World Series.
- Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore: Bad enough we have to endure obnoxious Sox fans in real life. In 2005 Hollywood subjected us to adorable Red Sox fans. The non-fiction book on which that movie was based was about a Brit obsessed with a soccer team. To make the story palatable to a U.S. audience, it was served up in huggable Fenway! Fuck you. At least no one saw “The Slugger’s Wife,” the Neil Simon movie featuring a fictional ’80s Braves squad.
- Tainted championships: Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz are known cheaters. (See the Mitchell Report) Without them the Sox don’t win in 2004 and ’07.
- Jerk factory: Think about Boston’s legendary players: Yaz, Jim Rice, Ted Williams, Wade Boggs, Curt Schilling, Roger Clemens. Assholes all. And then there’s Papelbon, a Red Sock at heart, he of the “Obama can’t ban these guns” t-shirt. And don’t forget Big Shitty accusing Hall of Famer Jim Palmer of trying to make a name for himself by daring to criticize “Papi,” as Big Shitty referred to himself in the third person.
- Kevin Millar: The alleged “joker” of the Sox is about as funny as a Carrot Top dead lift. “Cowboy Up” your ass!
- They signed overrated Pablo Sandoval (ha, your belt burst) and lollygagging dickwad Hanley Ramirez to contracts as fat as Pablo’s belly. And they have Kimbrel. Vomitous! It’s not your fault you’re there, Craig, but I hope you blow 25 save chances this year.
- The bandwagoneers will inevitably take over the Ted the next two nights, as Braves fans understandably stay away in droves. (The Office proprietors are pretending this series is not happening. I can’t enjoy myself when seething for three hours.) The worst part of it is the intolerable douche bags will probably have a high old time as their squad sweeps our hapless Bravos.
Tonight’s lineup: Markakis, Castro, Garcia, Pierzynski, Francoeur, Freddie, Peterson 2B, Smith, Teheran. Freeman hitting sixth? Things can’t get much worse, so what the hell.