Williams Perez makes his starting debut tonight, and Collapse-O is back in the line-up. They’ll face one of the better young pitchers in the game, Jake Odorizzi, who has a 2.36 ERA and 0.96 WHIP. Tampa’s tied for first, BTW.
But instead of analyzing all that, I’d rather regale you with a Gallagher anecdote, after the line-up:
Peterson, Callaspo, Freeman, Markakis, Cunningham, Pierzynski, Simmons, Maybin, Perez
I interviewed Gallagher in 2000. He had just sued his brother — who performed pretty much the same act at smaller, more rural venues — because audiences were beginning to think “Gallagher Too” was the real thing.
Leo Gallagher was hostile from the start, insulting my questions and insisting on knowing whether I was a fan. I did my best to change the subject but he wouldn’t relent. He then accused me of not “getting” his act, which he said was influenced by the bushels of weed he had smoked.
Meanwhile, his brother Ron (Gallagher Too) told me he was the first to smash melons with a mallet. Gallagher copied him, he said. (Leo insisted the melon smashing was his idea.) Their father vouched for the brother with no money, which tells you something about Leo. Despite this, the courts sided with Gallagher 1, who was granted an injunction prohibiting his brother from performing his act. Ron Gallagher, now unemployed, was forced to pay his brother damages.
Leo apparently used that money to hire a new joke writer, David Duke.
Gallagher is upset about a lot of things. Young people with their sagging pants (in faintly coded racist terms, he explains that this is why the jails are overcrowded—because “their” baggy pants make it too hard for “them” to run from the cops). Tattoos: “That ink goes through to your soul—if you read your Bible, your body is a sacred temple, YOU DIPSHIT.” People naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: “Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!” Guantánamo Bay: “We weren’t even allowed to torture all the way. We had to half-torture—that’s nothin’ compared to what Saddam and his two sons OOFAY and GOOFAY did.” Lesbians: “There’s two types—the ugly ones and the pretty ones.” (Um, like all people?) Obama again: “If Obama was really black, he’d act like a black guy and get a white wife.” Michael Vick: “Poor Michael Vick.” Women’s lib: “These women told you they wanna be equal—they DON’T.” Trans people: “People like Cher’s daughter—figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can’t see your dick, you don’t get one.” The Rice Krispies elves: “All three of those guys are gay. Look at ’em!” The Mexicans: “Look around—see any Mexicans? Nope. They’ll be here later for the cleanup.” The French: “They ruin our language with their faggy words.”
Any surprise he’s from Florida?