Office’s 10th Anniversary Gala Goes Awry

Remember Dave? Condescending. Ill tempered. Moussed-up ‘do that looked like Afalfa’s from The Little Rascals. (Assuming Dave used a picture of himself with his disapproving comments.)

He had the gall to show up at the Office’s recent 10th anniversary gala at the Fox Theater in Midtown Atlanta. Fortunately, Duane, a frequent target of Dave’s digital vitriol, also showed up. Difference is Duane was invited.

As he’s wont to do, Duane boozed it up good—had about nine Jack-and-Cokes. At some point, Dave commented about Duane’s level of education or personal hygiene or some such. Subsequently, Dave ended up bleeding on one of those grand stairways that lead down to the bathrooms at the Fox.

It could’ve been worse for Dave.

Duane had set upon him when octogenarian Doyle Harcavey, himself a couple of whiskey sours in, wandered out of the restroom, saw the fracas and pulled Duane off Dave. Doyle accidentally was knocked down himself and several passersby joined the fray. In the melee, Doyle bumped into Mike Hampton, re-injuring the southpaw’s pectoral muscle.

It was all too much for Hal Phellis. Perhaps the most reviled figure in Rowland’s Office history, Phellis issued a tearful plea for peace. To which Atlpaddy responded: “Fuck off and die, you ridiculous bear!”

Things then calmed down but briefly. Minutes later during the keynote speech, our namesake was determined to settle some scores. Among other things, Rowland alleged that Preston Hanna still owed him money for an illegal drug purchase. With that, J.D. Drew stormed out in a huff but not before demanding his personal appearance fee be paid in full. (It’s now in attorneys’ hands.)

It was about that time that security cleared us out. It didn’t much matter. We would’ve been ejected anyway after the folks from the Georgia-Pacific sales meeting figured out we had crashed their party that featured lame country music acts Cole Swindell and Rascal Flatts. (Dave enjoyed the music.)

Nevertheless, it’s too bad things got shut down. Chuck James and Larvell Capra had started an arm wrestling tournament. Chuck, who’s now installing windows for Lowe’s full time—he long ago burned through the $1.2 million he earned as a big leaguer—was amazing party guests with his utter lack of baseball knowledge. You’ll recall that Chuck had no idea who Todd Helton was, as he prepared to throw his first big league pitch to the Rockies great. Chuck wondered aloud when Bobby Cox would retire.

All things considered the party was a smashing success and an appropriate way to mark our humble blog’s first decade of existence. Word from the Julio Franco Assisted Living Center is that Doyle is OK. We’re not sure what happened to Dave and don’t really give a damn. Duane made it back to sleep in his ex-wife’s boyfriend’s Scirroco. We hope Rowland makes it safely back to Sacramento. His whereabouts were not clear at last report. Ol’ J.D. said he’s praying for our souls.

Chuck James was a good sport about the whole thing. In fact, Chuck likes a good throw down and proclaimed our party “pretty fucking sweet.” You’ll recall that during his days as a Braves farm hand, Chuck broke his arm diving toward a swimming pool.

If you were there, we hope you had a good time. If not, we’ll see you in 2025.


6 thoughts on “Office’s 10th Anniversary Gala Goes Awry

  1. happy anniversary, office! hal phellis can thank his lucky stars my invitation got lost in the mail.

  2. Good Lord; has it really been ten years? Congratulations guys! Oh, and I’ll take credit for getting rid of Dave. He kept claiming that slavery had nothing to do with the Civil War and I had to put a whuppin’ on him after Duane was finished.

  3. 10 years already…seems like only yesterday that we were collectively bitching about that shuffling corpse in the outfield (aka Raul Mondesi) and later suffering through that 200-Inning NLDS game 4 against Houston – another ending to a season that was only slightly longer and more painful than bleeding out from a gutshot. Good times.

    Anyway – congrats, thanks for the invite, and tell Phellis to keep fucking off.

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