The Office has obtained internal documents detailing blockbuster promotional plans for inaugurating SunTrust Park on the outskirts of Smyrna. We used the Freedom of Made-up Information Act to get our hands on this gold. A few highlights:
- Fergit Hell Night! In the shadow of Kennesaw Mountain, Confederate reenactors and belles in hoop skirts will cavort on the field and throw out the first pitch, then roam the crowd for daguerreotypes with fans. The first 20,000 spectators will receive free fake severed limbs!
- Agenda 21 Night. Cobb is actually a pretty diverse place now, but it remains a right-wing stronghold. As we’ll be playing alongside a highway named for a former John Birch Society president, and near a bridge named for segregationist governor Lester Maddox, let’s fit in. Drive the Hummer and another SUV–anything but public transit — and listen to speakers talk about how bike paths are a UN plot to take over America.
- Gordon Wysong Bobblehead Night. Honoring the brave Cobb County Commissioner who stood up to the queers, drafting a resolution condemning the gay “lifestyle” as incompatible with community standards. Cobb may have lost an Olympics volleyball venue but it gained a hero.
- Fake Lame Country Musician Night. Catch a fake post-game concert by our fake Charlie Daniels fake fiddler, joined by fake Billy Ray Cyrus, fake Zach Brown Band, and fake Lee Greenwood singing I’m Proud to be a Fake American!
- Duck Dynasty Night. Come pay for autographed duck calls and “Save the Robertsons from Obama” beer koozies. Meet the bearded, rich good ole boy sociologists and political scientists and hear their intriguing theories on race relations and geopolitics. We might even have a video address from Gov. Palin. Fingers crossed!!
- Honey Boo Boo Day. Is there anything the folks up North like more than a sharp-tongued fat Georgia redneck gal? She is charming, ain’t she? Come meet the family behind the hit reality show!
- Stand Your Ground Night. Dare some other fan to take a step toward you….and then shoot them!
- You Decide the Shopworn Southern Stereotype Night. Come as your favorite Dixie cliche — tote a gun, a Bible, a gun and a Bible, listen to bad popular country music, hate gays, deny evolution and climate change — you decide. It’s sure to be fun, y’all!!!