Make me commish

If I ran the game the Used Car Salesman would be out on his ass, banned for life from every major league park. Need I say more?

  • Bud wouldn’t be the only one out of a job. Roughly half the umpires would be canned, along with Tim McCarver. Fox would lose TV rights for its overproduced and saccharine presentation of the game; the replacement network would be required to hire Smoltzie as an analyst.
  • The Cubs would be forced to re-hire Chip Caray; Red Sox fans would be saddled with John Sterling. Yankees fans, meet Bob Rathbun.
  • Instead of adding playoff teams I’d subtract two, returning to the old two division format in each league. The winner of each would advance to the playoffs, with the AL and NL teams with the best record getting a bye. The wild card winner would play the other division champ in a best-of-three, followed by a best-of-seven LCS.
  • Every World Series game would start by 7:30 EST — pointless pre-game shows be damned.
  • The ship has sailed on a salary cap, but teams that receive financial aid from the evil empires must direct that money to payroll. No more welfare kings.
  • An asterisk would be placed beside Barry Bonds’ name so future generations will never doubt the identity of the true home run champ.
  • If Roger Clemens or Mark McGwire ever get into the Hall of Fame then so must Pete Rose and Joe Jackson. Actually, Jackson gets in regardless.
  • “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” would be banned from every stadium playlist. Naturally that means the deejay at Turner Field would be shitcanned (there are consequences to playing the “Friends” theme song). Speaking of unemployment, between innings host Mark Owens would be replaced by the great Walter Banks.
  • No more corporate ownership, with local ownership options exhausted before selling to carpetbaggers.
  • Red Sox caps would be confiscated in all parks not named Fenway.
  • The All-Star game and World Baseball Classic would be merged, with a U.S. team opposing a world club each July. It wouldn’t “count” but would be a helluva lot more interesting.
  • I’d leave the DH alone. Differences in the two leagues are interesting. If the NL team in the World Series has the best record, the pitcher hits. If the AL team has more wins, the DH reigns. Home field would be awarded to the team with the best record. Duh!
  • Six interleague games per team, tops.
  • While contraction would probably be good for the game, I wouldn’t want to take baseball away from any fan. But Toronto would have to replace its turf, Tampa would have to get a new stadium and San Francisco would have to cede San Jose to the A’s.
  • No more trading on tired “Field of Dreams” imagery. The movie sucks and, while nostalgia plays a role in promoting the game, baseball has to stop wallowing in sepia toned mythology.
  • Greg Maddux would be universally recognized as the greatest living pitcher.
  • Ted Turner would be forced to repurchase the Braves, ban the wave, destroy the Chick-fil-A cow, increase payroll and name Greg Maddux manager. Might I suggest Larry Wayne Jones (Sr. or Jr.) as hitting coach and Greg’s older brother Mike as junior pitching tutor?

7 thoughts on “Make me commish

  1. Hmm…I’m on board for most of your suggestions. Except theres no way you could put in a clock. The no clock is one of the great things that separates baseball. And I think Field of Dreams is a great movie, and I enjoy wallowing in the sepia toned mythology. Actually, that wallowing is what keeps me watching now despite all the bumbling of the “Used Car Salesman”.

    Lastly, Fox Broadcasting. Just horrific. I like Joe Buck, but McCarver is beyond understanding. The worst thing though, is multiple times, Fox has been so intent on showing faces to play up the celebrity angle of things in typical Fox fashion that they end up missing the delivery and you just barely get a zoom-out in time to see the batter swing. Thats awful.

  2. Mr. Commissioner, would you please make more old film available? By now MLB should have an exhaustive digital library, but they don’t appear to have it or if they do, they don’t market it very well. Caught a few minutes of Tom Brokaw’s baseball thing, this one was about Robin Roberts. In the space of a few minutes they worked in great footage of Walter Johnson, Dimaggio and Fred Hutchinson.

    Agreed except the DH. It is an abomination, conceived by alcoholic New York sportswriters who pined for Joe D and hated to see the same thing happen to Mantle. Get rid of the DH and your game will speed itself up. Plus, the fans will respect you in the morning.

    Get rid of inter-league play. It is, like the DH, a concession to television. Having separate leagues used to mean something. When Frank Robinson got traded from Cincinatti to Baltimore the fact that he was moving over to the American League was a big deal. Playing National League baseball in the AL, he won 4 pennants in 6 years. I cannot abide looking at a Braves box score and seeing that we used a DH. That is NOT National League baseball, which is the only baseball I ever liked.

    The only thing Bud Selig ever got right was calling the All-Star Game a tie and telling everybody “let’s go home”. It’s an exhibition for crying out loud. But he undid this immediately by caving to idle scrutiny from some media, and fucked up the World Series. The All-Star Game has nothing to do with the goddamned World Series. Some team loses home-field advantage because a Chicago Cub made a game-losing error?

  3. …or because a certain Florida second baseman made a game-losing error or two, a few years back. I was about to get deja-vu watching Castro throw that ball into the dugout.
    The kid just didn’t need to be there this year–he’s talented, a good hitter, but he’s a shortstop on pace for 30-something errors. I’m sure he’s a good kid. Learn to play his position, and he’ll be a true all-star.
    That said, it was nice to see the NL win 2 in a row, and this one in convincing fashion. Prince Fielder is a beast…a mirror image (literally) of his father at the plate. I hope he doesn’t: 1) end up in pinstripes next year; or 2) stop taking care of his body.

  4. I would allow the Used Car Salesman to be allowed into MLB parks when teams hold (mandatory) Bop-a-Bud promotional nights. Lucky fans paying, say, $10 for three balls, would get to hurl them down a 90-foot-long booth at a certain purveyor of previously owned motor vehicles, with proceeds going to charity. Hit him three times, win a bobblehead.

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