From the Office vault:
(The Yankees still owe the 34-year-old Borasbot $67.5 million over the next three years. Since 2009 he’s missed 202 games and has a .249 BA, .345 OBP and .479 slugging percentage. Re-signing him would’ve been nearly as big a mistake as trading for him.)
The Office had a chance to sit down for lunch recently with former Brave and new Yankee Mark Teshowmethemoney at his favorite ethnic restaurant, Olive Garden. Here’s our account.
Teshowme took a sip of his specially brewed power shake, nibbled his Caesar salad – no croutons — and almost, almost laughed. We were discussing the notion that he might have signed with the Nationals, Orioles, Red Sox, Angels, or, gasp, the Braves during last season.
“It was never about the money,” Teshowme said with a quick glance across the booth at Mr. Boras, who pushed buttons on a hand-held device before Teshowme talked. “I wanted to go to a place where I would have a chance to win. It has always been my dream to play for the team with the biggest payr…with the tradition of the Yankees, who have a real chance to be in the postseason every year.”
Teshowme then politely excused himself. He had to shave. Four hours’ growth of beard, he said. Mr. Boras followed.
What’re we getting paid for this?
When they returned 15 minutes later, Mr. Boras shifted places to sit next to his client. Teshowme finished his salad, then consulted with Mr. Boras before ordering a plate of fat-free pasta. Mr. Boras ate nothing.
“Like I said, I just want a chance to win,” Teshowme said as Mr. Boras nodded. “And with a team whose contracts total $1.2 billion…I mean, with great hitters up and down the lineup and a rotation and bullpen like ours, I can’t wait to leverage the enhanced revenue opportunities of our new venue, um, I can’t wait till spring training.”
Teshowme meticulously ate his pasta and sipped his special shake as Mr. Boras produced a portfolio of documents. They were endorsement proposals from companies seeking a bland, “CEO-type” celebrity spokesbot. Mr. Boras snickered as he recalled someone from the Special Olympics asking him if some of his clients could do commercials — for free!
After Teshowme finished discussing his affection for the old sitcom Night Court, Tim Allen movies and smooth jazz, he haggled with the waitress over the check, as Mr. Boras worked his hand-held and grinned.
Suddenly, Mr. Boras’ expression darkened. There had been a last-minute snag in negotiations with the Yankees. Teshowme and Mr. Boras understood that the contract called for free haircuts every three days, but the tightwad Steinbrenner brothers only wanted to provide the free coiffes once a week. A staffer from Mr. Boras’ office then whisked Mr. Boras and Teshowme out of the Olive Garden and they boarded a black SUV with darkened windows.
“We’ll show them to renege on a deal,” Mr. Boras huffed as his face disappeared behind the SUV’s tinted back window.
Just then, the waitress burst outside and flung two quarters — Teshowme’s tip, apparently – at the departing vehicle. “I don’t need your damn change that bad,” she shouted.
The driver screeched to a halt, hopped out, scooped up the money and then drove away.