The best thing you’ll read all day

Last night, for the first time in 95 years, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series at home in Fenway Park. Fuck the city of Boston, in general.

Boston is not a good city.

Fuck the Boston Red Sox. Fuck your dirty beards. Fuck your scrappy-band-of-sailors persona. Fuck your iconic little ballpark. Fuck the big green wall in your outfield. Fuck the people wearing Red Sox hats, particularly pink ones. Fuck your undeserved underdog attitude. Fuck your celebrity fans. Fuck your regular fans. Fuck your riotous celebrations.

Fuck all of New England. But in particular, Boston.

It goes on like this, and it’s fucking brilliant.

Anyone surprised Kenny Chesney loves the Sox?

While the Red Sox were taking batting practice on Wednesday, country superstar Kenny Chesney was spotted on the warning track wearing a “Boston Strong” baseball hat. A Red Sox fan since he was a kid growing up in Tennessee, he’s been here plenty of times in the past.

They deserve each other.

My hatred of the Red Sox grows by the minute

Future Boston mayor

First there was the Fox pre-game show, a valentine to the Red Sox. Oh, look at those beards — they’re so kooky! And original, too!

But the loathing grew exponentially when the Sox fans started chanting “ster-oid” at Peralta. The same fans who celebrated two world championships won on the PED-enhanced shoulders of Manny Ramirez and Big Fraudi Ortiz — a contradiction conveniently ignored by the Foxbot and Mr. Haney.

It bears repeating: The 2 most consequential players on those teams were arguably Ramirez and Ortiz. In ’95, ours were Maddux and Glavine. For the Yankees, it was  Jeter and Rivera. And things started souring for them when they imported Roger Clemens, who, of course, came up with the Sox.

This is the same team featured in a movie starring Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore. I admit, “The Slugger’s Wife” sucked, but nothing can suck as much as a Jimmy Fallon, Drew Barrymore flick.

But that’s Boston: Cute and scrappy. Like Whitey Bulger.

Come on Tigers — beat the shit out of these wretched frauds and their hypocritical, bandwagon-jumping fan base!

One more reason to hate the Red Sox

The owners of the Boston Red Sox were preoccupied with sagging TV ratings and hired marketing consultants who urged the team to place a greater emphasis on “good-looking stars” and “sex symbols,” according to an excerpt from a book co-authored by former Red Sox manager Terry Francona. …

On Nov. 2, 2010, a group gathered at Fenway Park to review results of a $100,000 marketing research project the Red Sox had commissioned in response to the drop in TV ratings.

The book stated the marketing report said: “(W)omen are definitely more drawn to the ‘soap opera’ and ‘reality-TV’ aspects of the game … They are interested in good-looking stars and sex symbols,” parenthetically citing All-Star second baseman Dustin Pedroia as an example of the latter.

“They (the consultants) told us we didn’t have any marketable players, that we needed some sizzle,” Epstein is quoted as saying. “We need some sexy guys. Talk about the tail wagging the dog. This is like an absurdist comedy. We’d become too big. It was the farthest thing removed from what we set out to be.”

Dumbest question of the day w/ a predictably stupid answer

I watched as much as a I could tolerate of the interminable Kevin Millar show on MLB. He and co-host Chris Rose agreed that Big Fraud-i should go into the Hall of Fame.

Like Red Sox fans everywhere — and The Nation‘s fawning ass-lickers in the sports media — Millar and Rose conveniently forget that Ortiz IS A CHEATER. Just like Manny Ramirez. Not only does it taint the two sluggers but also the Sox’s two World Series wins.

I know if Mad Dog and Glavine had juiced I wouldn’t feel so great about the ’95 world championship.

Ortiz, widely viewed as an ambassador for baseball, is the biggest phony in the game. In the last two weeks alone he’s whined about his contract and the Boston media.

To quote Nelson Muntz (or Jimbo Jones, I can’t remember): “CHARLATAN!”

One good thing about 2012: Boston won’t make the playoffs

Pvt. Pyle from 'Full Metal Jacket' won't be happy w/ the '12 Sox

The final two spots in Boston’s rotation are expected to be filled by converted relievers. Their projected third starter missed more than half of the 2011 season with back issues. Josh Beckett is a injury waiting to happen. And new closer Andrew Bailey has also missed significant time to arm ailments.

As for the offense, Kevin Youkilis sat out more games than Chipper the last two years. Carl Crawford, healing from wrist surgery, will probably miss the start of the season as he seeks to improve on last year’s .289 OBP. Just Disabled has retired, but the RF platoon of Ryan Sweeney and Cody Ross isn’t going to make anyone forget Dwight Evans. And how long before Big Cheater’s roided-up body gives out? He hit only one homer during the season’s last month.

Oh yeah, Boston’s SS is Nick Punto, a 34-year-old journeyman with a lifetime .325 OBP. Then there’s the new manager.

No way this team passes the Yankees, who, unlike the Sox, fixed their leaky rotation. Ain’t getting by Tampa, either; the Rays add Matt Moore, my pick for the 2012 Cy Young, to what was already the division’s best staff. Even if a second wild card is approved, Boston won’t get in. Texas and the O.C. Angels are easily better teams.

Hell, Kansas City may be better than the 2012 Red Sox.

The curse of Curb

The Red Sox, whose ACE Josh Beckett LOST to BALTIMORE last night, putting them into a TIE with Tampa, have a new curse.

Ever since Bill Buckner made a guest appearance on “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” the Boston Red Sox have been prettay, prettay, prettay … bad.

The question now: Did he curse the Red Sox again?

Before Buckner appeared on the show on Sept. 4, the Red Sox were well positioned for a playoff spot. They were 84-55 and had a stranglehold on the AL Wild Card with an outside chance to catch the Yankees for the AL East division title.

But ever since, Boston has been reeling.

One more reason to love “Curb Your Enthusiasm”: Buckner gets redemption and the Sox take it in the ass.

One more reason to loathe the BoSox

John Lackey sort of looks like John Rocker. Apparently he’s just as big of a douchebag.

Lackey, who was the starting pitcher in the second game of yesterday’s doubleheader in New York, expressed anger at his postgame news conference over a text message he received inquiring about a personal issue.

“Let me tell you the truth. Thirty minutes before the game, I got a text message on my cellphone from one of you … somebody in the media, talking about personal stuff,” Lackey said. “And I shouldn’t even be standing up here having to deal with this. I’m sitting here listening to music. I don’t know who got my phone number, but that’s over the line.”

Lackey was testy from the start of the interview, bristling at a question about a “rocky” first inning, then muttering under his breath.

Lackey’s angry that he’s getting questions about his decision to file for divorce from his wife, who has been undergoing treatment for breast cancer.

The former Angels hurler, still owed at least $45.75 million over the next three seasons, has a 5.26 ERA with the Sox (6.41 this year).

After Angels fans booed him upon his return to Anaheim last year, the humorless turd responded, “That won’t be forgotten.”

Earlier this season he yelled at Carl Crawford after the Boston left fielder failed to catch a home run ball. Shades of Rocker and Randall Simon.

That other Wild Card race

A Braves collapse would be epic but not historic.

The Red Sox are at risk being the first team ever to miss the playoffs by blowing a nine-game lead in September. Their lead is only two over Tampa, though the remaining schedule favors the Sox, who play 7 out of 10 against Baltimore. The Rays, meanwhile, have 7 left against the Yanks.

Then again, Boston’s pitching has been even worse than Atlanta’s and the O’s should be hungry to facilitate history. Surely they hate the Sox as much as we do.

A tale of two 1B on HBO

Fantastic extended cameo by the lifetime .289 hitter on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” tonight, including some well-deserved digs at Red Sox fans.

Lonnie Smith should be grateful he wasn’t playing for Boston in the ’91 World Series. Of course, Lonnie might’ve plotted to shoot the more unforgiving Red Sox backers.

And now, a cameo by Teixeira on “Entourage” (which sucks, btw). The verdict on Borasbot: Same Old Douche.

Not all Boston fans suck

Meet the Boston Braves Boosters — a dying breed who deserves your respect.

The only organized Boston baseball fans who actively despise the Red Sox, the BBB attend every Braves-Sox game to loudly cheer on the National Leaguers, and “really give it to the local nine and their fair-weather fans,” according to BBB president Gus Farnsworth. During games they ring cowbells and hold up signs featuring popular Booster slogans like, “If We’re Brave, Then What Are You?” and “Any Idiot Can Wear Sox.”

I had a chance to attend a Boston Braves Boosters meeting last October in Brookline, a stone’s throw away from the Braves’ old stomping grounds. They were celebrating both the playoff absence of the Red Sox (“those crimson-hosed Johnny-come-lately upstarts of Boston baseball,” as they’re colorfully described in the BBB charter), and the Boosters’ 57th anniversary. But to be honest, the proceedings felt more like a wake. Two members had passed away the previous month (the Boosters’ average age is 89.3), and their secretary had just been hospitalized with “a bad bout of consumption.”

Time’s running out on their dream to build a replica of Braves Field in the same location as the old park. They hope that one day the Braves/Bees will return to Boston. No chance of that, but God bless their Red Sox-hatin’ souls.

GQ skewers BoSox, Philly fans

Red Sox fans came in 6th in the magazine’s rankings of the nation’s worst sports fans.

aka Pvt. Pyle from 'Full Metal Jacket'

Insufferable Hypocrites. Winning the 2004 World Series was the worst thing to ever happen to Red Sox fans. Having been beaten into a state of lovable-loserdom by generations of championship futility, they now seem intent on living out some sort of horsehided cycle of domestic violence, inflicting upon us everything that for eighty-six years was inflicted upon them. It is a display of epic hypocrisy. All their whining about the Yankees’ salary-driven Evil Empire? They now gloat while drubbing opponents with what is routinely the second-highest-paid roster in baseball. All that self-satisfaction about being a bunch of scruffy underdogs? They blindly maintained it while winning the 2007 World Series with a payroll almost $90 million higher than Colorado’s. All these continuing claims to be an elite group of die-hard supporters? They have the biggest legion of bandwagon fans in the country, pushing past the Pinstripes as baseball’s top-drawing road team in 2005, 2007, and 2008. These days, Red Sox fans are indistinguishable from Yankees fans—just with more grating accents.

A-fucking-men. I would’ve ranked them first, but that dishonor went to Philly fans, who certainly belong in the conversation.

Things reached their nadir last season, when Citizens Bank Park played host to arguably the most heinous incident in the history of sports: A drunken fan intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl. The truth is this: All told, Philadelphia stadiums house the most monstrous collection of humanity outside of the federal penal system.

Open thread, 7.25, Braves vs. Andre Dawsons

A nod to the newest Hall of Famer, well deserving despite the opinions of stat geeks like ESPN’s Matt Meyers, who writes, “The HOF voters may be on Andre Dawson‘s side, but the numbers aren’t.”

As an aside, don’t ever doubt CD’s loathing of the Red Sox. Last night he opined, “I’d rather see someone wearing a NAMBLA cap than I would see another Red Sox hat.”

Dear Rowland …

A new feature, in which readers turn to the old center fielder for advice on subjects related to baseball, life and love. But mostly baseball.  

Dear Rowland,

Yesterday in my company cafeteria, I saw a coworker accompanied by his wife and two sons, ages 10-12 probably. Cute kids.

However, there was a problem. Huge problem. One of the kids was wearing a Red Sox cap. Backwards, no less. This kid nor his parents is from Boston or even New England.

So upon seeing the hat, I immediately recoiled. I literally felt my stomach turn. My reptile brain, my id — is that what it’s called? — told me to go over, snatch the hat off the kid, stomp it, throw it in a garbage compactor and explain to the kid the idiocy of clothing yourself in the latest trendy garb so that you can fit amongst a crowd of superficial, weak-minded, gutless, cowardly, misguided, rootless, morally unanchored humans. 

Of course, I did nothing of the kind. I seethed silently, meekly took my tray of mashed potatoes and chicken and green beans to a table, ate with colleagues and discussed the latest television entertainments.

Rowland, is there something wrong with me for feeling such rage over what I suspect is really a child’s fashion accessory?

Silently Seething, Atlanta, Ga.   

Rowland responds:

Dear Silently,

Only thing I see wrong with you is you didn’t go over and do just what your lizard mind told you to do. (And, yes, that insticntual side of your brain is the id. Nice Freud reference.) If it meant physically thrashing the kid’s dad, whupping his ass, then so be it. It’s never too early to teach kids the lesson you so brilliantly spelled out.

Being a sports fan — hell, being a right-thinking, grounded citizen — is about sticking up for what is real and where you come from. It’s about believing in something. This kid don’t come from Boston. He comes from Atlanta. It ain’t about jumping on the latest bandwagon, just because you see a lot of other people doing it. 

Stupid little shit stain deserved to not only have his cap forcibly removed, but he also needed a swift kick in his impressionable ass. As for his parents, they are obviously doing a poor job instilling any kind of morality and spirituality and courage in their offspring, not to mention any appreciation for geometry or theology. 

So, Silently, I leave you with this. Your throught process was entirely healthy. Indeed, it was the only reaction one should expect from a thinking, feeling, spiritually and psychologically stable Braves fan. Next time, act on your impulse. Show some balls. Stand up for the home team, man!

Your friend and counselor,