Duane is in crisis

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Where in the hell do I start?

OK. The Braves took a jackhammer to my heart and soul again. And I’m so confused and hurt and angry. I’m angry at Frede and the team, and I think I’m even angrier at the media and other people who are angry and downing my Braves. Because, dammit, they’re my…our….Bravos. And by God, I love ‘em as much as ever. Then again, I’m in a — what do you call it? — a confoundrum. They not only ruined my week, month, hell maybe my year, but they also got me fired from my job at the adult superstore off I-75 near Griffin.

One day at a time

One day at a time

Which leads into a whole nother but related story. Hells bells. Might as well explain. I reckon it all ties together in one way or another, like a big web of intreegism.

Aight. a few months ago I got a job stocking DVDs on the shelves at the store. (I get to take home one disc a week free, a nice french benefit.) Well, I was scheduled to work last Sunday night and there wasn’t no way in hell I was missing that ballgame. My cable got cut off, so I called in sick and went to Hooters to watch. My shitstain of a shift manager happened to be in there, and he just had to go tell the store manager about it, who just had to call me into his office on Monday and tell me the Lions Den no longer needed nor desired my services, or some corporate double talk like that. I told him he couldn’t fire Duane cause by God I quit.

I made the last part up. Really, he told me they didn’t want me, and I sat down and cried and begged for my job because I told him I had child support to pay — which, between us, ain’t really true. Long story short, he told me to get out of his sight and called the bouncers and they way too roughly in my opinion throwed me out into the parking lot. I remember the sun really hurt my eyes because the inside of that place is pretty dark.

Anyways, I been living in the basement apartment, a really small one, more like a closet with a shower and a microwave really, and it’s in the basement of a house owned by this guy who’s been dating Brenda. Yeah. Weird, I know. Believe me, I wanted to hate this guy, Julius Rolack, but dammit he’s about as nice a fellow as you could ever meet. He even told me I could go without paying rent for the next month since I lost my job. And that’s even after I told him the truth about how I lost it.

Cause see, another reason Julius is so dam hard to hate, the sumbitch, is that he’s as much of a Braves fan as I am! And that boy never gives up hope. He even paid for me to go to a game with him and Brenda. Brenda didn’t know about it till I showed up at their seats. She wasn’t all that happy about it, but Julius, he just said something like, “Hey, we’re all friends and Braves fans here, let’s have a good time and cheer on our boys! Go Braves!”

Like I said, he’s really upbeat. I needed that these last few days. He told me, he said, “Duane, you can stay in the apartment as long as you like rent free, or at least for a month or two.” And I said, thank you, Julius. (I started to call him Dr. J but changed my mind.) He just said could I mow his grass and clean out his garage, so I said I guess I could seeing as how I ain’t paying rent no more.

Anyhow, once we got our real estate transaction squared away, I said, Julian, you think Frede shoulda brought in Kimbrel? And he says something like, “well, D — he calls me D — I think Frede did what he thought was right. He was trying to win, and Carp was trying his best and it just didn’t work out. But we’ll get em next year.” Dam if that didn’t bring tears to my eyes. We hugged right then and there. But that broke up when I whispered something in his ear about maybe us having a threesome with Brenda. Shit, ole Julius didn’t even really hold that against me. He just said, “well, D, now, I really don’t think that’s such a good idea,” and then we just moved on pretty much.

To break that tension, I said, well what we gonna do about Uggla and BJ? And Julius repled like, “Oh. They gonna be fine. They worked so hard, and they’ll come to spring training rarin to go and they’ll have great years and we gonna win it all next year! We’ll show em!” See, Julius really does talk like with an explanation point, if that makes sense.

Well, I’m finishing my lunch and beer break. Plus, I snuck out a couplea DVDs from the store. Hah. Hah. Now I gotta finish cleaning out Julius’s garage. Ya’ll take care, and go Braves!

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16 Comments on Duane is in crisis

  1. Sharon Egan // October 10, 2013 at 5:37 pm //

    Charles, you’re a creatively sick dude.

  2. pepefreeus // October 10, 2013 at 6:25 pm //

    After Ol’ J.D. checked in, I had a feeling that Duane wouldn’t be far behind.

  3. Now all we need is to hear how old’ Doyle Harcavey is doing!

  4. Thanks, Sharon.

  5. Glad to see how Duane is doing! Hang in there buddy, spring is only five months away!!!

  6. I grew up in the College Park/Riverdale/Forest Park area. I knew plenty of “Duane’s” when I lived there.

  7. not funny, not witty etc. just plain drivel. what an idiot you are.

  8. There is nothing quite as fun or witty as a blog troll.

  9. About half of the Braves fans I’ve corresponded with since Fredi did his thing exactly share Julius Rolack’s “we’ll get them next year we have a great young team Fredi woulda been second guessed either way” vibe. It’s what the Braves and Liberty Media count upon. Buy your tickets and eight dollar beers and watch the tool race. Yay Braves, just don’t look too closely come playoff time. I also think that if Duane was born with the ability to hit a baseball he would be Chipper Jones.

  10. *Expecting* a WS every year is the kind of entitled attitude that ticks me off about Yankee fans.

    How shitty must it be to be a Pirates fan? Of a Mariners fan? Or an A’s fan? (a lot of postseason failure from that team – just one WS in the past 30+ years despite many division titles)

    I think Braves fans have it pretty good. 16th best payroll in baseball is still better than a lot of teams. Plus there are actual smart people drafting and developing young pitchers.

  11. Duane does a lot of traveling and has no sense of proximity. The nearest porn store to Griffin is in Jonesboro and the closest one off of 75 is…50-60 miles maybe. Then he drove all the way to the closest Hooters to Griffin which is McDonough. Point is I was born and raised in Griffin and I find your efforts to libel it by associating it with this fictional idiot and his lifestyle is less than acceptable. I think that Duane is an outdated stereotype of a person that can be found in any of Georgia’s 159 counties and he needs to not drive so much if he doesn’t have a job.

  12. Duane responds: “I’m from Forest Park! Griffin can kiss my ass!”

  13. Burn in hell duane

  14. Oh and by the way duane, you might want to invest in a toothbrush

  15. Lighten up, Nick. And bob, next time you decide to comment, have a point.

  16. Sharon Egan // October 15, 2013 at 4:43 pm //

    Some Midol for Bob, please.

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  1. Morning Chop: Atlanta Braves News 10/11 - Tomahawk Take

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