Dear Rowland …

A new feature, in which readers turn to the old center fielder for advice on subjects related to baseball, life and love. But mostly baseball.  

Dear Rowland,

Yesterday in my company cafeteria, I saw a coworker accompanied by his wife and two sons, ages 10-12 probably. Cute kids.

However, there was a problem. Huge problem. One of the kids was wearing a Red Sox cap. Backwards, no less. This kid nor his parents is from Boston or even New England.

So upon seeing the hat, I immediately recoiled. I literally felt my stomach turn. My reptile brain, my id — is that what it’s called? — told me to go over, snatch the hat off the kid, stomp it, throw it in a garbage compactor and explain to the kid the idiocy of clothing yourself in the latest trendy garb so that you can fit amongst a crowd of superficial, weak-minded, gutless, cowardly, misguided, rootless, morally unanchored humans. 

Of course, I did nothing of the kind. I seethed silently, meekly took my tray of mashed potatoes and chicken and green beans to a table, ate with colleagues and discussed the latest television entertainments.

Rowland, is there something wrong with me for feeling such rage over what I suspect is really a child’s fashion accessory?

Silently Seething, Atlanta, Ga.   

Rowland responds:

Dear Silently,

Only thing I see wrong with you is you didn’t go over and do just what your lizard mind told you to do. (And, yes, that insticntual side of your brain is the id. Nice Freud reference.) If it meant physically thrashing the kid’s dad, whupping his ass, then so be it. It’s never too early to teach kids the lesson you so brilliantly spelled out.

Being a sports fan — hell, being a right-thinking, grounded citizen — is about sticking up for what is real and where you come from. It’s about believing in something. This kid don’t come from Boston. He comes from Atlanta. It ain’t about jumping on the latest bandwagon, just because you see a lot of other people doing it. 

Stupid little shit stain deserved to not only have his cap forcibly removed, but he also needed a swift kick in his impressionable ass. As for his parents, they are obviously doing a poor job instilling any kind of morality and spirituality and courage in their offspring, not to mention any appreciation for geometry or theology. 

So, Silently, I leave you with this. Your throught process was entirely healthy. Indeed, it was the only reaction one should expect from a thinking, feeling, spiritually and psychologically stable Braves fan. Next time, act on your impulse. Show some balls. Stand up for the home team, man!

Your friend and counselor,

Rowland     

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9 Comments on Dear Rowland …

  1. you are funny Rowland. In a sea of garbage you rise to the top of the heap. Quick question how bad does is sting to see Kelly Johnson ripping up the NL while Chipper continues to hit around 230. all year? And did you notice Sportscenter top 10 mlb debut? One no name made the list for getting 2 sb’s. With a glaring omission of Jason Heywards debut. When will the media wake up and realize the Phillies have a bunch of ex drug addicts on their team and the Braves pitching is deeper and have a more balanced and patient lineup?

  2. You’re better than that. God, I hope so.

  3. charlesad // June 10, 2010 at 12:06 pm //

    To hell with KJ. Never cared for his languid approach and penchant for critical errors. That said, yeah, I wouldn’t mind seeing him return to the .200 hitter he was last year. Dave, it’s sarcasm. If you don’t think it’s funny, that’s fine. But please don’t pass judgment on Rowland’s or Slightly Seething’s character.

  4. charlesad // June 10, 2010 at 12:06 pm //

    I mean Silently Seething.

  5. charlesad // June 10, 2010 at 12:07 pm //

    And thanks, Jason. Any relation to Jeff?

  6. You’re inspirational, Rowland. It’s like my friend Ernie Ladd used to say, there’s too much jaw-flappin’ and not enough jaw-jackin’ goin’ on around here to suit me. But whatever happened to Doyle? He was a funny ol’ dude.

  7. charlesad // June 10, 2010 at 2:41 pm //

    Doyle’s health is failing. Last time I spoke with him, he asked me when Neikro’s next start was. There’s always hope he can rally, though. Glaus turned it around. Maybe Doyle can too.

  8. Viva Rufino Linares! // June 10, 2010 at 3:53 pm //

    I’m glad to hear from Rowland. I like to think that he and Claudell Washington are living in a condo somewhere in California planning their triumphant return to Alumni Sunday @ the Ted.

  9. Dear Rowland,
    I’ve never forgotten your B.D. (Oct. 25th) but never knew how to reach you…it’s been toooo many years! Just stumbled on this today, so I don’t know how often you check this site, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROWLAND!
    Your Old Fan & Friend from St. Louis,
    TC

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