Duane did a bad thing
Man, I done a bad thing. Real bad. Now I feel real bad about it. Maybe feeling bad will make me feel better.
Now I ain’t making no sense, but maybe I can write a country song. Anyhoo, here’s what went down. Other day, my boss and good buddy — I live over his garage — at the city of LaGrange, parks director Bobby Lee Duckworth told me the city was gonna cut the budget and he might have to lay me off or cut my hours.
Pissed me off at first. So later that night I was watching Biggest Loser and drinking about 9 MGDs in the big house with Bobby Lee and his wife, Nita, and I don’t kow what got a hold of me, but I stole his wallet. Yep. Took it red-handed off the kitchen counter.
Then later I helped him look for it. Well, since then I slipped back in and slid it under a table and pretended like I found it. What he don’t know yet is I used his credit card to pay off my on-demand movie bill so my cable wouldn’t get cut off.
Like I said, I feel real bad about all this. See at first I blamed Bobby Lee for maybe losing my job. Oh, he explained to me he hated it, how it was orders from the city manager and revenues was down on account of the recession, and so on.
Hell, he’s right. It ain’t his fault. He’s been real good to me. He put his ass on the line giving me the job in the first place.
I ain’t told him any of this, about my moral diemmacy I mean, and that I took his billfold and used his credit card. Probably won’t. Hell, he thanked me for finding the wallet. KInda guy he is. That made me feel even worse still. So I’m having what you might call a moral rassling match with myself. It ain’t a hell of a lot of fun. I gotta admit, though, that damn HD is looking good.
Speaking of, I can’t wait to see Jason Heyward on tv playing for our Bravos. Damn. He’s gonna be another Hank Aaron combined with Dale Murphy. You know he’s Iron Head’s son, right? If Bobby don’t have that boy in right field opening day he ought to retire right then and there and not wait till the season’s over.
Moving on. Yunel Escoledo’s gonna hit 25 home runs this year and win a gold glove. He’s a star, son. A big one.
Now, Chipper. I don’t know. I hope he can bounce back. I do know I wanna go hunting out at his ranch. You think him and Rochey would take me along? Anybody know him and can maybe put in a word for me, I’d appreicate it.
How you pronounce Glaus? Does it rhyme with House? Or is it like Gloss, rhymes with hoss? Any case, that big dude needs to get hisself hitting and staying well.
Hansel’s gonna win 19. Huddy’s gonna wini 18. JJ’s gonna win 16. Braves over Phillies and then the Yankees and Teshowmethemoney. Bobby goes into the sunset with a champeenship, and I win $50,000 and quit the damn job anyway. That is, if my cousin Donnie placed that bet out in Reno like I told him to.
I gotta go. Brenda’s agreed to take one last shot with one of them “relationship coaches.” We’re meeting down at Applebee’s. I hope that coach’ll pick up my tab.
Later, fellas. Go Braves.